Thinking about baby

Today about once every ten minutes I remember that we are adopting again! I get so excited whenever I remember this! It is so different from the last time because in certain ways I have less fear and in other ways, I have more. We adopted Ann from South Korea when she was 9 month old. She was so scared it was pitiful. She even spoke several words in Korean. But we never met her birthmom, only the foster family that took care of her. And there was no risk of a birthmom taking her back once we held her. So domestic adoption is different in that way. It is also different in that we will actually be able to adopt our baby out of the hospial as a newborn. That will be so neat to me. Newborns are my very favorite. I am always sad I missed the first part of Ann's life. I wish I had not missed a beat of it. I think about our future baby's birthmom and feel very heartbroken for her. When her heart breaks is when our dreams will come true. That just does not seem fair. The last time we began our adoption with Ann we made the decision we were finished having kids naturally so adopting Ann was the last step in building our family. Then she came home and I knew I was not finished! D and I went back and forth with adopt again or have a baby. We finally settled on have a baby but little did we know how challenging that would be. In the almost three years that she has been home we have tried for two and a half for a baby. I got pregant twice and both times lost our child. It was heartbreaking. The last time we learned it was a son and he had trisomy 18. We named him Isaiah Daniel and if we are blessed with a little boy through this his middle name will be Isaiah, after his big brother in Heaven. After trying for another long year after we lost him we both came to the realization Christmas Day that this was just too much. All the anxiety, heartbreak and loss were not getting us anywhere. Our family is not growing in the way we had hoped. So we both were finally on the same page...adoption. They say strong storms produce rainbows. These past years have been full of strong storms. This baby will be our rainbow.